The Metamorphosis

I feel like a butterfly in metamorphosis.

In the past 100 days, there has been silence here on my blog, my little space. The silence did not stem from a lack of things to post. On the contrary, it has been eventful and busy days, overflowing with many special and incredible moments, and containing powerful lessons which have shaped my way of thinking and molded me into a stronger and better individual.

Which explains my identification with that little fella in his cocoon.

I believe that, unseen by the naked eye, there are changes taking place inside each person every single day catalyzed by the little daily choices and experiences that person faces. And these gradual changes are a process. A process of character building which never ends, but which results one will only be able to see as the time passes.

So this post is for me to put into words the life lessons which impacted me from the experiences I faced over the past three month, life lessons encapsulated in Kipling’s poem “If.”

During my advanced nitrox & deep dive course over one of the weekends, there was a particular dive when I was diving with three tanks for the first time. Being a technical dive, there were many things to take note of and remember. On top of that, there was this cumbersome load of three heavy tanks and a huge BCD on my back. And to top it off, the visibility from the fine silty sand was terrible, to say the least. Struggling to maintain a neutral buoyancy while keeping up with the other divers who had much longer and more powerful legs (they were guys, after all) was both tiring and rather discouraging.

Then even as my head told me to give in to the stress and just abort the dive, a familiar phrase from my favorite poem whispered, “If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you…”

I eventually surfaced, but only after completing the entire dive. More than that, the experience brought my confidence to a new level and taught me an important lesson. I realized that the power of believing in yourself can push you past limits and set new boundaries for yourself, whether in work, school, or play.

My last two months of work were exciting, fiery and incredible weeks. It was exciting because there were big challenges to overcome; it was fiery because I underwent pain, tears, and crazy pressure; and it was incredible because I achieved the goals I had set out to meet. I lost a big deal and won two others, and understood for myself what Kipling meant when he said, “If you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same.”

It did not help that my second semester exams were held in the week right before November FXS Product Show, our second largest product show of the year. Long days dragged into even longer nights, as reaching home late from work meant that mugging time would eat into sleeping time. And this tired brain would repeat the line to this exhausted self, “And so hold on when there is nothing in you except the Will which says to them: "Hold on…"

A few days ago, the school results were announced online. And upon checking, I found that my hard work had paid off. :)

This December month, the pace did not slow down as I had hoped. Instead, my calendar was completely filled before the second week of December had even passed. On top of work stress, there were a lot of events and activities which needed time-consuming coordination and detailed planning. You know that frustrating moment when EVERYTHING is demanding for your full attention RIGHT NOW till you don’t even know where to start? I sat at my desk during one of those moments, and looked up to see these words staring back at me: “If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you;” Taking a deep breath, I dove back into the tsunami of work again.

To sum up, 2011 has been a mountain range.

There has been many mountains to climb, and many lessons to learn. It has been a year that pushed the limits in every way - mentally, emotionally, and physically. It has not been easy, but the knowledge of the metamorphosis taking place, of each challenge training us for even bigger and greater challenges in the future, has made it worth it.

To every person who has made a difference in my life - my family who supported me through each step of the way, my loved ones who encouraged me and believed in me even when I was losing faith in myself, my bosses who exemplified true leadership, my dear friends who were kind and loving and patient....Thank You.

In a few days time, it will be 2012.

I do not know what the new year will bring, but I am confident that God has a special plan for me, and I am excited. :)

**Forgive her for any ramblings, it IS 4AM... One last day of packing and she will be off to Taiwan!**

Them deceivingly "Normal" Days

Some days start off really NORMAL.

Wake up, get ready for work, leave the house at the usual time.

Park in the same spot, walk in to office and slide into my seat at the usual time.

Eat the bee hoon and drink the tea which I order every morning.
Security in the routine.

Answer emails, clear paperwork, make calls, and prepare for another full normal work day.

Get into my car and head out to the working field, as usual.

And then all of a sudden... BANG.

I heard the bang a split second before I felt it. The sickening crunch of metal hitting metal, then Xiao Bai being thrown forward and I with it, my jamming on the brakes to stop from being pushed further into the center of the busy junction. Turning around to find that a red taxi had slammed into the back of stationary Xiao Bai thinking it was a green arrow.

Heart pounding furiously.

Hands fumbling for my phone.

Short breaths.

Speed-dialing my brother's number to tell him what just happened in a stunned voice that trembled ever-so-slightly.

Then after calming myself down with a few deep long breaths, senses numbed by shock, and forcing myself to focus on the necessary, I step out of the car to deal with....the damage.

My car was pushed from behind the first white line into the yellow box.

The taxi's damage

Heart-pained to see Xiao Bai in this bashed-up condition

Calls, one after the other. Pictures. Tow-truck. Reports. More calls.

It wasn't until afternoon that the shock slowly wore off and I began to be increasingly aware of the pain from hitting my head, the mixture of feelings as after-shock, and the gravity of what had happened.

Reflection.

Some people call it AAR, After-Action-Review.

Hearing Perry's "If I Die Young" on the radio as background music did not help. At all.

How did all my great plans for the day get snatched out my hands just like that? It was just one moment, and suddenly I was no longer in control of what was happening. And why did it have to happen to me and not to the car beside me..or to the car in the opposite lane? Why me??

One of the greatest struggles in life is trying to make sense of circumstances we do not understand.

Then my thoughts turned a little morbid.

what if I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt? Could I have been seriously injured or could my life have been snatched away too, along with everything else?

Who would attend my funeral? What would be said as my eulogy? Have I accomplished anything in my short 21 years on this earth that is considered mention-worthy? I know my family would definitely miss me, but besides them, who else would shed tears if I was gone? Have I touched any other lives in some way or another? Would my friends remember me, or would i just become a fleeting memory in their history? and if they did, what would they remember me for?

Sobering thoughts. And an awesome way of putting things in perspective.

Problems suddenly didn't look so big anymore. It wouldn't really matter how many machines I closed, or how good a grade I got in school, or whether I buy that pretty dress I've been eying when I lie on that wooden bed. Those may be important, but not vital. What would matter is the quality time spent with family and friends, the moments when I went the second mile for others, the words said and things done to make those around me (hopefully) feel better or happier.

I learned three things that day:

1) God's hands are bigger than mine. Even if the situation may be out of my hands or plan, it is still in His. And unless it is His will, He will not let one single hair from my head be harmed, much less me.

2) Never take for granted the "normal" days: they can be taken away in a blink of an eye, and I would far rather have them than not.

3) Try to stay out of the path of blur-looking cab drivers.

When You Believe.

Ask anyone in the sales force of Fuji Xerox, and they will not deny that it has been a stressful last two weeks. In fact, you don't even need to ask: just glance at my Facebook or Twitter feed and you will feel the stress levels that is haunting each person with a 200% target pinned to their heads.

There's been those days when we face a nasty and unreasonable customer. There's been those days when each call we make brings bad news, like tsunami waves that batter the shore not just once but twice or three times. There's been those days when there is simply NO NEWS. And those are probably some of the hardest days, even harder than bearing with a flat out "No."

There's been those days, and then some.

So this post is specially dedicated to my dear friends-cum-colleagues boiling together in the pressure cooker. To the ones who, even at their lows and lowest, never say die. To those who understand it's just a matter of time, even when the watch itself stops working. To those who will fight to the end of the month without giving up...

This song is for us... Because even though the targets are high and the orders seem slow, we will achieve BECAUSE we believe. :)

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove(s) in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe



They don't (always happen) when you ask
(Oh)
And it's easy to give in to your fears
(Oh...Ohhhh)
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
(A small but )still resilient voice
Says (hope is very near)
(Ohhh)

There can be miracles
(Miracles)
When you believe
(Lord, when you believe)
Though hope is frail
(Though hope is frail)
It's hard to kill
(Hard to kill, Ohhh)
Who knows what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will (somehow,somehow, somehow)
somehow you will
You will when you believe

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe...in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believe

**She can't wait for this weekend!**

What's been Up.. If you MUST know.

So just like that, two months have flown by since my last post.

There are so many things I would like to blame it on.

Work. Catch-up dinners which I promised would come after my exams. Family time. Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Movies. Work. Dive trip. Weddings. Chillouts with friends. Niece-time. Sleep. Or the lack of it. Work…Oh, did I mention that already?

And at the back of my mind, the thought would nag, “I need to write a post soon.” And I would reply back, “Ok, when I get some free time.”

And this dragged on… and a week passed, and then another… and then a month… until it dawned on me – Hey, I WON’T be getting any free time. Not any time soon, anyways. Not when I just jumped headlong back into another crazy semester of school. Not when I’m waking up at 4.30AM to work on my school assignments before heading to work. And it’s AUGUST, the month of high expectations and blood pressure. Hello, Big-time Stress. Goodbye, Beloved Sleep.

Finally, I decided I shouldn’t wait for what’s not coming. I’ve decided to sit down, with my 11PM Maggie dinner in front of me, and just WRITE. Write about what’s happened, and what’s happening, in my little world, if you care to know. But don’t get your hopes too high, I’m working on an extremely tight time limit here (think 15 minutes). Let’s see where we can go with this.

SO. After that uber long-winded explanation on my lack of presence in the past two months, here’s a little peek at what I’ve been DOING, in the last two months. Ya know… just to support my little argument with “evidence.” (Thanks a lot, dear Thinking Critically module. I have learned my lesson well.)

Wakeboarding @ Punggol Marina with my work buddies, on one of the Saturdays...

Practicing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, or the art of "ground fighting," @ BXG Boxing & Fitness Gym, Tanjong Katong..

Niece-time...

Catch-up dinners with friends...

the start of the July semester...

changing Xiao Bai's shoes...

visiting my second home @ Dayang, Malaysia...

celebrating my second niece Kayla's first birthday...

And of course, our girls' trip to Bali <3

It's the tip of the iceberg, but it will suffice for an explanation. You don't want me to get started on the "Life is short - live it to the fullest" topic, because that is my FAVORITE quote and I could probably write a 1,500 word paper on it in one sitting; for proof, my Mom says I take it too literally already.

And now from here on, I shall attempt to update every so often...or before a month passes, anyway. It's the only way for me to hold on to the little moments of each day that will surely slip by unless I engrave it in black & white marks on a screen or paper.

Hold me to my word, please. :)

**She had two mini-milestones today - her first user order and 5570 order. Happy much?**

Of Crazy Days and Bumpy Ways

Today was one of those days.

You know, those days where your phone doesn’t stop ringing. And you pick up, each time knowing it is not going to be welcome news.

A fussy customer. Finance issues when processing an order. Urgent printing to be done by your customer and your much-needed consultant is out of town. Logistics headache.

Lunch was punctuated with calls between mouthfuls.

The mind was being yanked in different directions, with each train of thoughts dragged back from gathering momentum by another just as pressing thought.

Five things to do at the same time, and only two hands to do it.

My hands were slipping on the rope, losing grip from sweaty palms.

I knew it was time for a whistle to blow, for a much needed break in the tug of war against time. The moment when the coach calls the team into the locker room and says the motivating words that rouse their low spirits. When the Prep Talk comes to life. When the martial arts master looks his protégé in the eye, reminds him to focus, and strengthens his will to fight and win.

So when I finally retreated to the haven of Xiao Bai, my little car, it was with a sigh of relief that I slammed the door shut on the noisy world outside.

And then after a few calming breaths, I sorted through the mess inside my brains, compartmentalizing the information that belonged to each customer case.

Somehow that put things in a much more objective perspective. When issues become no longer problems but simply a task to be ticked off a To-Do list, it suddenly does not look that big and looming anymore.

But it went further than that.

Sometimes, what we need is not solutions but rather reasons why we need to take action. Going beyond scratching the surface by thinking up temporary solutions, we need to ask…

…Why am I facing the problem in the first place?

…Is the issue determined by external factors (environment, other people) or by internal factors (my attitude, psychological barriers, something I did or did not do)?

…Is the problem something that can be rectified permanently? And if so, then how?

The customer and logistics issues I was facing were not considered “good things.”

BUT, they came as a result of closing orders, which was DEFINITELY “a good thing.”

So what does that mean?

Should I NOT close any more orders so that I won’t have to face all these issues? Or does it mean that I have to accept that these are just part and parcel of closing orders? And if so, is there anything I can do or change in the way I am doing things to lessen the probability of such issues cropping up again the next time I close an order?

The questions could go on. But one thing became glaringly obvious:

If I want to be on the road of success, I gotta be willing to ride its bumpy turf because it’s not gonna be smooth.

If I want to be successful in whatever I am doing, I cannot expect things to be a walk in the park. Success is not going to appear at a snap of the fingers. It’s going to take A LOT of sweat, tears, and hard work. I will need to stay positive, to take “bumps in the road” in my stride, to stretch myself and rise to the challenges that come my way.

But hey, nobody said it would be easy….Only that it would be WORTH IT.

And that, for me, is motivation enough.

**After the self-prep talk, she went on to close the largest machine order she has done thus far. :)**

The Exam Movie

The scraping of metal chairs on the linoleum floor.

Pencil cases unzipping and pens laid out on metal tables.

The heartbeat picking up a pace.

The digital clock on the wall.

Then, the whole scene pauses.

In a hall of more than two hundred people, there is SILENCE.

“The time is now five o’clock. You may begin.”

The voice of the invigilator over the microphone is drowned out by the sound of rustling pages as students turn over the leaves of exam paper and start frenziedly writing.

……

Did you ever feel like you were watching yourself acting out in a real-life movie? Like you’re seeing things and experiencing things through your own eyes, and yet detached from it all?

It is a strange and interesting feeling.

You watch your hand writing, writing, writing… black marks scribbled line after line to fill up a blank paper.

You suffer the fierce ache of the muscles cramping up and watch the other hand move across the table to massage the cramping arm.

You feel the keen eyes of the invigilators sweeping over you as they march pass like sentinels on duty.

You sense the tension in the air, and note again the silence.

You sit back, an unobtrusive observer, and look over your own mind’s shoulder as it recalls ideas and pulls out concepts from the mental notebook to answer the questions.

You keep a sharp eye on the digital clock on the wall which shows a different combination of figures every time you glance at it.

…….

6.55PM.

Did two hours really fly back so quickly?!??

Your hand flips through the pages, your eyes skimming the lines at top speed, double-checking your work.

There is a flurry of papers all around as the other students do the same.

“Put your pens down.”

The hardworking hand in front of you finally lays down the pen it has been clutching tightly for the last 120 minutes.

The invigilators whiz by, snatching the answer books off the tables as they make their way down the long line of desks.

You let out a sigh of relief.

The heartbeat slows to the usual pace.

Then you stand up, pick up your belongings, and leave the exam hall… never once looking back.

**She is done with her four papers of the first semester, and is ready to play!**

Do You Know?

To be frank, I’m always a little afraid when I attempt to write another post after a long {month} (or two)’s break.

It is not from lack of things to say, but rather the almost overwhelming swirl of thoughts and emotions that flow through me when I pause to reflect on what has happened since I last posted. I don’t know whether to bundle everything into a neat little summarized package and hand it to you, or to spread it out over shorter separate posts, compartmentalizing the various emotions.

How do you summarize experiences into words without losing the raw or subtler emotions that made those very experiences unique and special?

Perhaps a mixture of both would be good. (Or more likely, all that I can afford for tonight when I'm supposed to be mugging for exams. But writing is a stress-reliever, so it should be a good thing, right? Or so they say... )

Tonight, there will be no poetry, only prose.

Do you know the uncertainty that accompanies a new challenge, the small moments of self-doubt when you are not sure whether you can actually achieve what is being set out for you to accomplish?

I experienced that ten weeks ago.

Do you know the crazy strength of emotions that can influence the making of decisions?

I experienced that nine weeks ago.

Do you know the warmth that infuses the soul when little deeds of kindness and love are shared among family and colleagues and friends? A small card here, a hug there, a breakfast in the morning, sweets and stars and Brands essence to cheer your day…

I experienced that eight weeks ago.

Do you know the exhaustion that hangs on the shoulders like a heavy bag after a long day at work, and then wraps around you like a python as you sit down in the night to rush a school project?

I experienced that seven weeks ago.

Do you know the slight giddiness, the adrenaline rush that whips through you when you realize that you have broken your personal record, when it dawns on you that NOTHING is impossible whenever you put your heart to it?

I experienced that six weeks ago.

Do you know the pride that bursts from your heart as you watch your little brother - no longer little - march across the floating platform to his POP, and throw his cap up in the air in jubilation?

I experienced that five weeks ago.

Do you know the euphoria that rides on blowing wide open a myth, that it IS possible to close 3 orders in a single week of April?

I experienced that four weeks ago.

Do you know the fun of trying new experiences, of setting mini milestones? Of trying traditional muay thai, or sitting on a motorbike, or catching a 25-kg fish on your own, for the first time?

I experienced that three weeks ago.

Do you know the frustration and hurt that sears you like a hot iron when faced with miscommunication and misunderstanding?

I experienced that two weeks ago.

Do you know that momentary feeling of wild panic that grips your heart when you suddenly find yourself thrown into a situation where you are no longer in control?

I experienced that last week.

Do you know the tingling excitement that comes from voting for the very first time, and the subsequent impatience and checking of twitter every other minute awaiting the election results?

I experienced that this weekend.

Do you know the pain that wrings your heart to see your beloved niece crying and utterly miserable from sickness?

I experienced that today.

Do you know the threat of being overwhelmed, when the thoughts in your head are like a washing machine, with words like appointments, studying, sister, exams, delivery dates, brothers, nieces, flowers, and exercise are jumbled up together along with a zillion other things, till momentarily you don’t know where to begin?

I’m experiencing that now.

It has been full days, ups and downs, with their little joys and little tears and then some….

And though tonight I may feel weary, and exhausted, and tired of being strong, it’s OK.

Because tomorrow will be a new day, with batteries recharged, and I will be ready to face the world again. :)

PS. Pictures next time!

**She could do with a hug right now**

The Compromise

All morning the war has raged
T'wix fierce Sleep and weak Awake.
For Awake to win is vital
Yet Sleep puts up a struggle
Unwilling to be defeated
but yet it must be! for abit.

Awake is mustering all her power
For Sleep had lunch in his favor
and used it to his advantage
to gain an upperhand on stage.
In turn Awake is using caffeine
and blasting Sleep to smithereens.

This hapless human, the battlefield,
Is begging the warriors for a truce
But neither is willing to give in
For both are desperate to win.
If only Sleep were satisfied
to reign as King of Night
And save Day for the Queen
It would be one compromise
where everyone would win!

Why?

We've asked it often, and yet we ask it again. It has always been the hardest question to answer, and yet often times the most pressing.

Why?

It started from as soon as we could talk. We asked our parents, the grown ups, and we expected an answer.

Why is the sky blue? Why does daddy have to go to work? Why do I have to eat veggie?

And as we got into our teen years, the questions changed but the WHY remained. The questions were not just addressed to parents anymore, but to our friends, to ourselves. And we didn't always get an answer.

Why can't I have that gadget which everyone else has? Why do I have to do homework when I'll much rather play? Why must I wear hand-me-downs? Why is She so much prettier than me?

And now, we are adults and at a different stage in life, but we still have questions..burning questions. Only they are most times questions of the soul which we can no longer voice out freely, or rarely do except to God. And sometimes they are questions so deep and intense that we do not even know how to put them into words..

Why are you allowing this to happen, God? Why must I say goodbye to that loved one? Why did I lose that order? Why her and not me? Why now and not then? Why? Why??

When things don't go according to plan, OUR plan...

When we can't see a light at the end of the tunnel...

When we don't know how we got here and don't know where to go from here..

When we don't understand..

Why?

The heart cries, "Yes, I know all thing work together for good, I know that there is a time and season for everything, I know that there is a sovereign God in control, but... WHY??!"

And the hard cold truth is... Most times, there are no answers. No answers to the questions which burn in our hearts, which tear us apart. Perhaps Later, perhaps Never, but certainly not Now.

It is so hard to have unanswered questions. They leave aching voids, unshed tears, and spinning heads in their wake.

And what remedy do we have to offer? Quiet moments by the beach, listening to the melody of the waves? Wordless music to express the soul's unspoken feelings? Or the turning up of the volume so that it drowns the voices in your head? Having a heart-to-heart talk with someone close who cares?

Or perhaps as we reach a breaking point, we are reminded, and a quiet confidence steals across our hearts in knowing that "He doeth all things well." It doesn't answer all the questions, it doesn't take away the desire to KNOW... but the gentle peace that is its companion calms the frustrated and care-filled mind, and coaxes us to be patient, to be trusting, to cast all our cares on Him.

Why?

"..because He cares for you." (I Pet. 5:7).

**She feels the pressure every time she looks at the White Board**

A Man of His Word

"What are words if you don't mean them when you say them?"

Has that thought ever crossed your mind?

Have you ever been disappointed by someone who didn't keep his word? Been hurt by someone who never really meant it when he said all those sweet things? Questioned the sincerity of someone who was not keeping his promise?

I am not sure if it is a girl thing, but somehow when a person does what he says, that means a lot to me. Perhaps it is because we see so little of that nowadays. Perhaps it is that I am in an environment where verbal promises can be easily made but less often kept, and it heightens my sensitivity to such "trifling things." Talk is cheap, they say.

Whichever way it goes, my rules have not changed - If you want my respect, stay true to your word.

And Chris Medina is one person who has seriously impressed me.

When I first heard his heartbreaking love story, I literally went, "Wow." This young American Idol contestant is currently nursing his fiancée back to health. She suffered brain damage from a tragic car accident two months prior to their wedding date, derailing their happy plans. Yet six months later, he is still there beside her, saying, "What kind of guy would I be if I were to leave when she needs me most?"

Boy, that's the kind of guy I want.

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

**She just watched an electrifying game between Liverpool & Man U... 3-1, YNWA!**

Every Thorn Has Its Rose.

A thorn prick.

The all-too-familiar sensation of Pain.

But what is it, really?

Pain is burying your face in your comforter to muffle your sobs after reading a farewell letter from your closest friend, who walks out of your life for reasons not her own.

Pain is smiling on the outside but crying a thousand tears inside your young heart as a friend whom you had begun to fall in love with breaks the news that he has a girlfriend.

Pain is kneeling beside the still form of your dearest pet, unwilling to say goodbye just yet.

Pain is watching your loved one in physical or emotional distress, but being helpless to do anything.

Pain is sitting tired and disappointed inside your car after losing a deal you had worked so hard on.

Pain is lying on your bed, tears streaming down your cheeks, asking, “Is this what it feels like to really cry?”

Pain is knowing that some things in life will not be changed, no matter how much you may wish it to be so.

Yes, I know what pain is.

It comes in many shapes and sizes and faces. Sometimes expected, sometimes not. Sometimes a dull ache, other times a cutting stab. And always with the power to wring tears from your soul.

But though a strict Master in the School of Life, it is also one of the best ones.

In its class....

I am learning that every thorn will have its rose.

I am learning not to keep waiting for the sun to be out, but also to dance in the rain.

I am learning that just because it hurts doesn’t mean you stop smiling.

And most of all, I am learning that without pain, we would not be able to truly appreciate the joys that come our way.

**A shout-out to her sister, in case She forgets... "Te quiero!"**

"Sorry, Miss, No Blue Thoughts Today."

To Self: "No blue thoughts today. They are not allowed."

Self's reply: "Ok, I'll have pink then."

Sometimes, my own humor cracks me up.

**She is packing for her short weekend trip up to KL!**

You gotta boogie, boogie

So, the {dreaded} night came.

After countless hours of practicing coordinated dance moves, of finding costumes in the little lanes of Bugis Street, of laughter and discussions, of throwing our whole hearts into it...

Here are the pictures of that night - our Fuji Xerox Dinner & Dance.

Because pictures are worth a thousand words, here are just a few...

I rarely do this.. but because it is a once-in-a-life-time thing.. here's the video of our team's dance.

PS. See if you can spot me ;)

**She is waiting for her first TMA's results to be out!**

Flying Without Wings

A friend commented, after joining my siblings and I for a late night chillout, "It's like a group of friends who happened to be brothers and sisters!"

And you know what? I agree.

Not all the stress in the world can withstand the balm of FAMILY.

It doesn't matter what we're doing, as long as we're all there together.

It's the comfort and security of knowing that whatever may happen or come our way, we would face it together.

We would be there for each other, through thick or thin.

The happiness of good things are multiplied, and the bad things are helped to be borne.

"Love" doesn't have to be said, it is almost tangible through the actions.

We love being together.

Whether it's on big wheels...

...Or small wheels.

Because when we're together, it's really like FLYING WITHOUT WINGS.

And times like these, I know I'm the luckiest gal in the world.

**Tonight was back to the classroom for her. Or rather, in the classroom for the FIRST time, for her**

Forecasted with Grace

January jump-started in third gear.

As it turns out, all my hopes of having a more relaxed work schedule flew out the window within the first 3 days of 2011.... together with my hopes of not having to do any performances after our BOP Christmas party win! Apparently, the bosses think we have enough time and energy to spare after a full exhausting day of work and decided to pinpoint my group in front of the entire sales force to perform at the Company dinner in front of more than 600 pairs of eyes, in a week's time.

Which leaves my team of 11 young people with exactly 7 days to learn two whole sets of dances moves and choreograph the third set!

In the meantime, work targets remain and the fight for more orders continue...

Oh, and as a passing mention, the much-dreaded word "REVIEW" popped up this last week. I will not stress on the details, but all of us sales people know what that means.

And school starts in 3 days. Ya know, those night lectures that'll take place twice a week? And I haven't even had a chance to see my time table or tidy my desk or look through my books yet. I'm excited and scared and thinking, "Oh my God, I'm so not ready for this!" all at the same time.

And then, just when I thought that the stress and pressures of work and school and everything else in between would engulf me, another unexpected bomb dropped on my desk - Janet, one of my closest colleagues and team mates, announced that she had submitted her resignation and left the company, all within the same week. Just last week, to be exact. And so, early into the year, I had to go through one of the things I hate the most - Saying Goodbye. The thought that sliced through my mind? "Well, I didn't see that one coming..."

Somehow I feel that these first few weeks of 2011 are just a forecast of what is to come... It is going to be a Year of new Challenges, bigger Stresses, of questioning whether I will actually be able to succeed in what I am putting myself to, of staring up bigger mountains and needing to find the will somewhere inside me to take the first step up.

Truth is...I'm scared.

I feel so small, so inadequate.

A "perfectionist", I am afraid of the mistakes I will have to make.
A realist, I know there will be more goodbyes that I will have to make by the way, to the people that come and go in my life.
There are so many things I do not know, so many questions I do not have answers to or am scared to know the answers to.
I am nervous about taking on so many things onto my plate at the same time, worried that I might be stretching myself too thinly till I am unable to excel in the areas that I want to.
I see ahead of me goals and targets...targets set not only by myself for myself, but by others for me. And the heights of some are daunting - so daunting that realistically speaking, I might not be able to meet.
I am scared that the days ahead will be so busy, so hectic, that they pass in a blur and I miss out and forget to appreciate the little things in life.
The core values which I cling to, my principles, the things I live for... they will be challenged over and again by those around me.
There will be days that I will be discouraged, disheartened, that I will break down and cry.

I am afraid I won't be positive enough, strong enough, brave enough.

Stressed. Tired. Overwhelmed.

And then I read the words of dear girls laying bare their own daily struggles, honestly acknowledging their weaknesses, humbly sharing their lessons learnt.

And my weary heart is encouraged. And finding courage to carry on.

"He giveth more grace," I was promised.

I don't need to focus on the huge mountains ahead of me, I just need to take it one step at a time. I don't have guarantees that I'll succeed in everything I set out to do. In fact, the path ahead will neither be smooth-sailing nor a bed of roses. But I also know that His grace will be sufficient for me, as and when I need it.

And that, for me, is enough.



**She loves her new blue dress**

I Hope You Dance

So it's late at night...

And I'm tired and weary from a long work day...

And it's a long drive home...

And then the strains of the most beautiful song I've heard in a longggg time fills my car and surrounds me..

And it feels like someone just reached out to give me a big warm HUG.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

Thank you, my Angel.

I WILL dance, whether in sunshine or in rain.

**She is working hard for a good January**

Goodbye, 2010 ~ Haylow, 2011!

If there was one word to describe 2010, it would be DYNAMIC.

Change was a constant...

Adaptability was a must...

and Growth was the result.

It was a year of milestones. Here are some highlights of 2010, in a nutshell:

I flew and landed a small 4-seater Aeroplane in Malaysia,

I ran my first 21KM during the Addidas Sundown Marathon, under 2.45 h9urs,

I became Aunt to a SECOND darling little niece,

I went for four diving trips...

Two of them with my colleague Lloyd Chia,

I chilled out with diving buddies...

work friends,

and childhood lovaduckies,

I got an internal transfer in Fuji Xerox from an Admin Support department to the Sales Force...

And successfully hit more than 100% of my personal target within my first 3 months...surrounded by supportive colleagues,

I went to Desaru with the family...twice,

Bintan with Kim and Ben,

Pontian with my colleagues and buddies,

and Port Dickson with the family,

I celebrated my 21st birthday with my family and closest friends and colleagues,

I got my first car,

and I performed as a rockstar guitarist at our FX Christmas party, with our team of Gen-Y Rockers winning 2nd place!

Yes, 2010 has been a crazy year, a year of extremes and of balances.

I met some of the most incredible people from all walks of life: Mediacorpe artistes Pamelyn Chee, Devarajan, Carl Ng, Bernard Tan, and Randall Tan; lawyers; entrepreneurs; insurance agents; students; and some of them joined my circle of closest friends. I went up into the sky, and down below sea level. I left a desk-bound job for a door-to-door career. I turned 21 and held an awesome birthday bash at Mount Emily. I became owner of my very own Coach bag. I learned to handle people and manage the stresses and ups and downs of the sales line. I met with disappointments, setbacks, and heartaches. I had my moments of triumphs, and likewise my moments of tears. I found out that if you put your heart and mind to achieve something, there is no limit to what you can do. I experienced the pain of letting go of some of the people and things dearest to me. I grew in every way possible (except weight and height, hopefully!).

And now, 2011 has arrived.

With it comes new challenges and goals, new beginnings, new opportunities.

My 2011 resolution is simple: Work hard, study hard, and play hard. Laugh more, love always, and don't expect too much from people.

I have no idea what 2011 will bring with it, but I know it will be an incredible year - and I am excited. (:

**Leona Lewis's Run lyrics are running through her mind**