Finding Greatness

For the last few weeks, I have felt as if I were in a wrestling match. 

I have struggled to find words to describe the emotional turmoil that has been churning inside.

I have struggled to meet the high expectations of my bosses, and the even higher expectations I have of myself.  

I have struggled with my loved ones, as we try to accept some of the unexpected curveballs which life has been throwing our way, things which no one has control over.

I have struggled to balance my time between the things I NEED to do and the things I WANT to do.

I have struggled to breathe, to keep my head above the combined and sometimes overwhelming stress of August show month and school assignments.

I have struggled to fight fears and heartache, emotional repercussions to events.  

I have struggled to clamp down on the leaking pipe that is threatens to burst from within after long rough days and even longer nights.

I have struggled to maintain a positive outlook on rainy days, both literally and figuratively.

I even struggled with writing this post.

Because, to be painfully honest... it's not easy to admit that I'm struggling.

Everyone wants to be the one who has it all under control... the one who strolls by other madly rushing people, hand in pocket, smiling and carefree, whose life seems to be so effortlessly smooth-sailing.

But the truth is, it isn't always that easy.  Reality won't let anyone get away with a "free lunch." 

We feel pain, heartache, disappointment, stress, and fear, howbeit in varying degrees.... and we have to understand that it is all a part of being human and living life.

The thing is....

If we have not experienced the pain of losing, we will not relish the triumph of winning.

If we do not feel stress when trying, we would not appreciate the sweet release of success.

If we do not face challenges, we will never see the need to rise to the occasion.

My big boss's message to the sales force for this month has echoed Nike's theme:

FIND YOUR GREATNESS.

I  watched the video of a little boy taking a deep breath before jumping off the high platform into a swimming pool, and another one of a young baseball player, handicapped but still playing - and WINNING. 

Both of them struggled too with their own fears, just as I have been struggling.   But they overcame the barriers, and found their greatness.

And I can will too.   

I've survived Hellweek last week and I'm into the last lap of August.  At a time when we are counting down by the hours, I have to stay focused on the goals which have been set for me.

When friends ask me, "Are you alright?"  I always reply with a smile, "I'll be fine." 

No, I may not feel OK now, and I'm not necessarily having the time of my life.   

But I will be strong, I will pick myself up, and I WILL be fine. 

Facing the Fear Factor

So I'm perched atop the kid's spiderweb in the neighborhood park near my home. 

At 3AM, the roads are silent, there is a pleasant night breeze, and the stars spot the inky black sky above randomly, like as if some child had dabbled with a white crayon. 

It is the perfect time for self-reflection.

Reflection about the choices we make in life. 

Why we do or don't do certain things.  The reasoning processes that we go through when faced with a tough decision.  The struggle between the heart and the brain when it comes to one's personal happiness.

And the more I ponder about it, I realize that in just about every single life scenario I can think of, the underlying factor that paralyzes our actions is FEAR. 

Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of rejection. Fear of what people might say. Fear of pain. Fear of losing out or losing face. Fear of taking risks. Fear of stepping out of our comfort zone. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of consequences.

Let me just add here, that fear in itself is not necessarily bad.  Fear can be a deterrent to worse things.  It is the fear of punishment by the law that keeps many people from doing what is wrong.  It is fear of lung cancer that deters some people from smoking.  It is fear of dying that stops more people from taking their own lives when they are at their lowest point, because of "the dread of something after death, the undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveller returns," as Shakespeare described so deftly in his famous poem "To Be or Not To Be."

The fear I refer to is the kind that handicaps our progress in life.  The kind where we will give a million excuses to ourselves and others as to why we will not do a certain thing, and they will sound PERFECTLY LOGICAL to us, simply because we would not admit - even to ourselves - that we are afraid.

There are so many examples I can think of. 

Individuals who shy away from public speaking because they are afraid to make a fool of themselves in front of people, and eventually lose out on opportunities in PR or communication jobs and more.  

Individuals who do not dare to stand out in performance even if they are capable of doing so, because they are afraid of the vicious tongues of jealous people. 

Individuals who dream of setting up their own businesses, but eventually never take the first giant step of an entrepreneur because they are worried about the risks - Will their business be successful or even make it?  Should they abandon a comfortably paying, stable job for a business venture which will take atleast a few years to stabalize before making a profit?  

Are we passing by moments of golden opportunity in our life because we are afraid of failure?

Or are there instances where we sacrifice our own happiness and would rather say nothing because we are afraid to risk rejection from someone whom we actually care for?

Are there certain relationships in our lives that are suffering because we refuse to say sorry, we are afraid to lose face?

It is human and natural to FEEL the emotion of fear. 

But what is more important is that we need to IDENTIFY the fear.

And then, if it is something that is holding us back from achieving our fullest potential, we need to CONQUER it. 

At the end of the day, we need to remember that life is short.  So what if we make mistakes?  So what if we fail the first try, or the second, or even the third?  So what if we face rejections?  So what if we have to swallow our pride at times?  So what if we may need to endure cruel, false words from people who do not actually know us or who we are?  So what???

Because, really.... what do we have to lose?  

If rejection, then so be it.  We pick ourselves up and we move on.  If failure, then nevermind.  We will try again, and not give up.  If people talk, let them.  All that matters is that you remain true to yourself.

And that is my conclusion of the matter.  Rather than letting it hold us back, we need to harness fear, to push us to achieve greater things and fight for our happiness and success. 

After all, I don't want to live a life full of regrets and "what if"s.  I want to be able to look back and know that I tried my best at every turn, that I never let any opportunity slip through my fingers simply because I was too fainthearted to step up to the challenge.  

I know that all throughout my life, in the days ahead, I am going to wage a continuous war against this monster.  And I accept that some of the battles, I might lose.  

But for tonight...I WIN.

Holding on.

Just FOUR MORE DAYS till the end of March.

Four looooooongggg and yet incredibly SHORT days.

It is tiring to be under constant high pressure for the past 55 days, a pressure which only builds and intensifies like a tsunami wave reaching the shore.

Honestly, I can't wait till it's over. Who can?

A part of me just wants to give up now, to cave in to the stress. To heck care.

But yet...... The other part of me cannot, WILL NOT. We are so close, sooo close to the end.

Right now, it's no longer just about the MD's dream.
Or the GM's challenge.
Or our Sales Head's target.

It's about OUR personal goals.
It's about that figure which we individually set for ourselves at the beginning of the quarter.
It's about the personal achievement.
It's about proving to ourselves that I CAN DO THIS.

We can't stop now. Not when we're in the final insane week of this month.

We cannot afford to.

So I'm gonna keep holding on - to my dreams, to my sanity, to my life.
And this much-loved song is helping me to do so.

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
~~

Dreaming Impossible Dreams

"I dreamed impossible dreams. And the dreams turned out beyond anything I could possibly imagine."

It is 2am.

But despite the fact that I am exhausted, physically and mentally spent from the stress of a long day just over, I am unable to sleep.

My mind is busy thinking, thinking..

Of character.
Of passion.
Of thinking big.
Of achievement beyond your wildest dreams.

My mind cannot let go of the quote which I stumbled across earlier today.

Dream impossible dreams?

Not many people dare to do that.

It takes a very rare breed of people who are willing to even take that first step in thinking big, in expecting great things, in breaking psychological barriers of what they might be able to achieve.

Can you imagine WHAT we could achieve if we just for a moment opened our minds? It is that kind of liberating moment when you walk out to look up at the stars in the night sky rather than staring at a man-made cement ceiling 3 meters above your head.

The amount of possibilities is endless.
And the thought itself, mind blowing.

Nobody said it would be easy to achieve big dreams. We all know by now that life never gets any easier or less busy. Winning and achieving takes hard work.

But your DREAM gives you the direction in which to work.
And you need your dream to be CRAZY and IMPOSSIBLE, because only then will you push yourself to prove otherwise.
And of course, you gotta Really. Want. It.

The leaders of my company are teaching me that.

From my MD's big dream figure for our final quarter as a company to my Sales Head's individual target for each of us sales account managers, they are playing the game of inception.

First, they instill the thought, the dream.
And although one's first reaction upon hearing the Q4 target is "That's insane!", the figure has already been branded in our minds like a hot iron.
And no matter what we think or do, we cannot forget about it.
And eventually, slowly but surely, with much inward fear and trembling, we begin to think that maybe, just maybe..it might not be that insane after all.

Not if we work REAAALLY hard.
And want it REAAALLY badly.

You know what I want?

I want to be able to say, at the end of March, that insane dreams CAN become a reality.
I want to prove to myself that impossible is nothing.
I want my greatest fear to be - not that I cannot achieve something - but that I am capable of achieving beyond all that I ever hoped or dreamed. BECAUSE THAT'S JUST DOWNRIGHT SCARY.

Former Major League baseball player and manager Tommy Lasorda said, "The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's determination."

Well.... I may be a girl, but if determination is what it takes to make the IM disappear, then so be it. (:

Find Positive Infinity (or die trying)

Earlier this evening, my friend asked me, "How do you stay positive in the final quarter?"

He was talking about the final quarter of FX's financial year '11, Jan - Mar 2012. We are faced with crazy targets, figures so big it would blow your mind. And we have a matter of WEEKS to fulfill them.

How do you make numbers on paper (dreams) into signatures on contracts (reality)?

I tried to answer him, scraping the bottom of the barrel for motivational factors: personal goals, the incentive trip to Turkey, drinking sessions with friends... He gave me credit for trying.

:: :: ::

I'm home,
dead tired,
sitting in front of my lappy at 1AM,
trying to strategize,
clearing work before the CNY holidays officially kick off tomorrow night...

So I guess it's a pretty bad time to check my newly launched school schedule, isn't it? Because the looks of it is not making me feel any better AT ALL.....

:: :: ::

Now I need to the question back to my friend: How am I going to SURVIVE the next three months?

I am scared. Trembling. The weeks ahead are going to be one hell of a roller-coaster ride.

Where am I going to find enough time to work, let alone study??
Will striving for good grades cost me the sacrifice of my personal work goals?
How will I balance my work-school-play with such an insane calendar?

There's going to be drastic changes,
new experiences,
emotional challenges,
stressful moments,
relationships to be handled,
pushing of the physical limits,
mental stretching,
occasions to rise to.

Will I be able to do it/handle everything/come out of this alive???

:: :: ::

I don't have the answer to that, just like I don't have the answer to so many other questions.

But I do know these 3 things:

1) I have got to stay positive and hold on to my dreams
2) No matter how tough - I will do my best, take things one step at a time, and work hard to realize those dreams
3) I must never think of giving up

I believe that we humans are uniquely created with the ability to "rise to the occasion." When we are pushed to the limits, somehow somewhere within, we will still find the extra reserve strength to run the final lap, to touch that peak, to hang on. We were born to face challenges, and to become better people because of it.

Mt. Everest is looming ahead - that great big monster of 2 and a half more months.

I'm gonna hold my head up, take a deep breath, and start the climb.

**She gets to rest at the "base camp" of Mt Everest during CNY holidays - KL & Kyushu, here I come!:)**

The Metamorphosis

I feel like a butterfly in metamorphosis.

In the past 100 days, there has been silence here on my blog, my little space. The silence did not stem from a lack of things to post. On the contrary, it has been eventful and busy days, overflowing with many special and incredible moments, and containing powerful lessons which have shaped my way of thinking and molded me into a stronger and better individual.

Which explains my identification with that little fella in his cocoon.

I believe that, unseen by the naked eye, there are changes taking place inside each person every single day catalyzed by the little daily choices and experiences that person faces. And these gradual changes are a process. A process of character building which never ends, but which results one will only be able to see as the time passes.

So this post is for me to put into words the life lessons which impacted me from the experiences I faced over the past three month, life lessons encapsulated in Kipling’s poem “If.”

During my advanced nitrox & deep dive course over one of the weekends, there was a particular dive when I was diving with three tanks for the first time. Being a technical dive, there were many things to take note of and remember. On top of that, there was this cumbersome load of three heavy tanks and a huge BCD on my back. And to top it off, the visibility from the fine silty sand was terrible, to say the least. Struggling to maintain a neutral buoyancy while keeping up with the other divers who had much longer and more powerful legs (they were guys, after all) was both tiring and rather discouraging.

Then even as my head told me to give in to the stress and just abort the dive, a familiar phrase from my favorite poem whispered, “If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you…”

I eventually surfaced, but only after completing the entire dive. More than that, the experience brought my confidence to a new level and taught me an important lesson. I realized that the power of believing in yourself can push you past limits and set new boundaries for yourself, whether in work, school, or play.

My last two months of work were exciting, fiery and incredible weeks. It was exciting because there were big challenges to overcome; it was fiery because I underwent pain, tears, and crazy pressure; and it was incredible because I achieved the goals I had set out to meet. I lost a big deal and won two others, and understood for myself what Kipling meant when he said, “If you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same.”

It did not help that my second semester exams were held in the week right before November FXS Product Show, our second largest product show of the year. Long days dragged into even longer nights, as reaching home late from work meant that mugging time would eat into sleeping time. And this tired brain would repeat the line to this exhausted self, “And so hold on when there is nothing in you except the Will which says to them: "Hold on…"

A few days ago, the school results were announced online. And upon checking, I found that my hard work had paid off. :)

This December month, the pace did not slow down as I had hoped. Instead, my calendar was completely filled before the second week of December had even passed. On top of work stress, there were a lot of events and activities which needed time-consuming coordination and detailed planning. You know that frustrating moment when EVERYTHING is demanding for your full attention RIGHT NOW till you don’t even know where to start? I sat at my desk during one of those moments, and looked up to see these words staring back at me: “If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you;” Taking a deep breath, I dove back into the tsunami of work again.

To sum up, 2011 has been a mountain range.

There has been many mountains to climb, and many lessons to learn. It has been a year that pushed the limits in every way - mentally, emotionally, and physically. It has not been easy, but the knowledge of the metamorphosis taking place, of each challenge training us for even bigger and greater challenges in the future, has made it worth it.

To every person who has made a difference in my life - my family who supported me through each step of the way, my loved ones who encouraged me and believed in me even when I was losing faith in myself, my bosses who exemplified true leadership, my dear friends who were kind and loving and patient....Thank You.

In a few days time, it will be 2012.

I do not know what the new year will bring, but I am confident that God has a special plan for me, and I am excited. :)

**Forgive her for any ramblings, it IS 4AM... One last day of packing and she will be off to Taiwan!**

Them deceivingly "Normal" Days

Some days start off really NORMAL.

Wake up, get ready for work, leave the house at the usual time.

Park in the same spot, walk in to office and slide into my seat at the usual time.

Eat the bee hoon and drink the tea which I order every morning.
Security in the routine.

Answer emails, clear paperwork, make calls, and prepare for another full normal work day.

Get into my car and head out to the working field, as usual.

And then all of a sudden... BANG.

I heard the bang a split second before I felt it. The sickening crunch of metal hitting metal, then Xiao Bai being thrown forward and I with it, my jamming on the brakes to stop from being pushed further into the center of the busy junction. Turning around to find that a red taxi had slammed into the back of stationary Xiao Bai thinking it was a green arrow.

Heart pounding furiously.

Hands fumbling for my phone.

Short breaths.

Speed-dialing my brother's number to tell him what just happened in a stunned voice that trembled ever-so-slightly.

Then after calming myself down with a few deep long breaths, senses numbed by shock, and forcing myself to focus on the necessary, I step out of the car to deal with....the damage.

My car was pushed from behind the first white line into the yellow box.

The taxi's damage

Heart-pained to see Xiao Bai in this bashed-up condition

Calls, one after the other. Pictures. Tow-truck. Reports. More calls.

It wasn't until afternoon that the shock slowly wore off and I began to be increasingly aware of the pain from hitting my head, the mixture of feelings as after-shock, and the gravity of what had happened.

Reflection.

Some people call it AAR, After-Action-Review.

Hearing Perry's "If I Die Young" on the radio as background music did not help. At all.

How did all my great plans for the day get snatched out my hands just like that? It was just one moment, and suddenly I was no longer in control of what was happening. And why did it have to happen to me and not to the car beside me..or to the car in the opposite lane? Why me??

One of the greatest struggles in life is trying to make sense of circumstances we do not understand.

Then my thoughts turned a little morbid.

what if I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt? Could I have been seriously injured or could my life have been snatched away too, along with everything else?

Who would attend my funeral? What would be said as my eulogy? Have I accomplished anything in my short 21 years on this earth that is considered mention-worthy? I know my family would definitely miss me, but besides them, who else would shed tears if I was gone? Have I touched any other lives in some way or another? Would my friends remember me, or would i just become a fleeting memory in their history? and if they did, what would they remember me for?

Sobering thoughts. And an awesome way of putting things in perspective.

Problems suddenly didn't look so big anymore. It wouldn't really matter how many machines I closed, or how good a grade I got in school, or whether I buy that pretty dress I've been eying when I lie on that wooden bed. Those may be important, but not vital. What would matter is the quality time spent with family and friends, the moments when I went the second mile for others, the words said and things done to make those around me (hopefully) feel better or happier.

I learned three things that day:

1) God's hands are bigger than mine. Even if the situation may be out of my hands or plan, it is still in His. And unless it is His will, He will not let one single hair from my head be harmed, much less me.

2) Never take for granted the "normal" days: they can be taken away in a blink of an eye, and I would far rather have them than not.

3) Try to stay out of the path of blur-looking cab drivers.