Do You Know?

To be frank, I’m always a little afraid when I attempt to write another post after a long {month} (or two)’s break.

It is not from lack of things to say, but rather the almost overwhelming swirl of thoughts and emotions that flow through me when I pause to reflect on what has happened since I last posted. I don’t know whether to bundle everything into a neat little summarized package and hand it to you, or to spread it out over shorter separate posts, compartmentalizing the various emotions.

How do you summarize experiences into words without losing the raw or subtler emotions that made those very experiences unique and special?

Perhaps a mixture of both would be good. (Or more likely, all that I can afford for tonight when I'm supposed to be mugging for exams. But writing is a stress-reliever, so it should be a good thing, right? Or so they say... )

Tonight, there will be no poetry, only prose.

Do you know the uncertainty that accompanies a new challenge, the small moments of self-doubt when you are not sure whether you can actually achieve what is being set out for you to accomplish?

I experienced that ten weeks ago.

Do you know the crazy strength of emotions that can influence the making of decisions?

I experienced that nine weeks ago.

Do you know the warmth that infuses the soul when little deeds of kindness and love are shared among family and colleagues and friends? A small card here, a hug there, a breakfast in the morning, sweets and stars and Brands essence to cheer your day…

I experienced that eight weeks ago.

Do you know the exhaustion that hangs on the shoulders like a heavy bag after a long day at work, and then wraps around you like a python as you sit down in the night to rush a school project?

I experienced that seven weeks ago.

Do you know the slight giddiness, the adrenaline rush that whips through you when you realize that you have broken your personal record, when it dawns on you that NOTHING is impossible whenever you put your heart to it?

I experienced that six weeks ago.

Do you know the pride that bursts from your heart as you watch your little brother - no longer little - march across the floating platform to his POP, and throw his cap up in the air in jubilation?

I experienced that five weeks ago.

Do you know the euphoria that rides on blowing wide open a myth, that it IS possible to close 3 orders in a single week of April?

I experienced that four weeks ago.

Do you know the fun of trying new experiences, of setting mini milestones? Of trying traditional muay thai, or sitting on a motorbike, or catching a 25-kg fish on your own, for the first time?

I experienced that three weeks ago.

Do you know the frustration and hurt that sears you like a hot iron when faced with miscommunication and misunderstanding?

I experienced that two weeks ago.

Do you know that momentary feeling of wild panic that grips your heart when you suddenly find yourself thrown into a situation where you are no longer in control?

I experienced that last week.

Do you know the tingling excitement that comes from voting for the very first time, and the subsequent impatience and checking of twitter every other minute awaiting the election results?

I experienced that this weekend.

Do you know the pain that wrings your heart to see your beloved niece crying and utterly miserable from sickness?

I experienced that today.

Do you know the threat of being overwhelmed, when the thoughts in your head are like a washing machine, with words like appointments, studying, sister, exams, delivery dates, brothers, nieces, flowers, and exercise are jumbled up together along with a zillion other things, till momentarily you don’t know where to begin?

I’m experiencing that now.

It has been full days, ups and downs, with their little joys and little tears and then some….

And though tonight I may feel weary, and exhausted, and tired of being strong, it’s OK.

Because tomorrow will be a new day, with batteries recharged, and I will be ready to face the world again. :)

PS. Pictures next time!

**She could do with a hug right now**

The Compromise

All morning the war has raged
T'wix fierce Sleep and weak Awake.
For Awake to win is vital
Yet Sleep puts up a struggle
Unwilling to be defeated
but yet it must be! for abit.

Awake is mustering all her power
For Sleep had lunch in his favor
and used it to his advantage
to gain an upperhand on stage.
In turn Awake is using caffeine
and blasting Sleep to smithereens.

This hapless human, the battlefield,
Is begging the warriors for a truce
But neither is willing to give in
For both are desperate to win.
If only Sleep were satisfied
to reign as King of Night
And save Day for the Queen
It would be one compromise
where everyone would win!

Why?

We've asked it often, and yet we ask it again. It has always been the hardest question to answer, and yet often times the most pressing.

Why?

It started from as soon as we could talk. We asked our parents, the grown ups, and we expected an answer.

Why is the sky blue? Why does daddy have to go to work? Why do I have to eat veggie?

And as we got into our teen years, the questions changed but the WHY remained. The questions were not just addressed to parents anymore, but to our friends, to ourselves. And we didn't always get an answer.

Why can't I have that gadget which everyone else has? Why do I have to do homework when I'll much rather play? Why must I wear hand-me-downs? Why is She so much prettier than me?

And now, we are adults and at a different stage in life, but we still have questions..burning questions. Only they are most times questions of the soul which we can no longer voice out freely, or rarely do except to God. And sometimes they are questions so deep and intense that we do not even know how to put them into words..

Why are you allowing this to happen, God? Why must I say goodbye to that loved one? Why did I lose that order? Why her and not me? Why now and not then? Why? Why??

When things don't go according to plan, OUR plan...

When we can't see a light at the end of the tunnel...

When we don't know how we got here and don't know where to go from here..

When we don't understand..

Why?

The heart cries, "Yes, I know all thing work together for good, I know that there is a time and season for everything, I know that there is a sovereign God in control, but... WHY??!"

And the hard cold truth is... Most times, there are no answers. No answers to the questions which burn in our hearts, which tear us apart. Perhaps Later, perhaps Never, but certainly not Now.

It is so hard to have unanswered questions. They leave aching voids, unshed tears, and spinning heads in their wake.

And what remedy do we have to offer? Quiet moments by the beach, listening to the melody of the waves? Wordless music to express the soul's unspoken feelings? Or the turning up of the volume so that it drowns the voices in your head? Having a heart-to-heart talk with someone close who cares?

Or perhaps as we reach a breaking point, we are reminded, and a quiet confidence steals across our hearts in knowing that "He doeth all things well." It doesn't answer all the questions, it doesn't take away the desire to KNOW... but the gentle peace that is its companion calms the frustrated and care-filled mind, and coaxes us to be patient, to be trusting, to cast all our cares on Him.

Why?

"..because He cares for you." (I Pet. 5:7).

**She feels the pressure every time she looks at the White Board**

A Man of His Word

"What are words if you don't mean them when you say them?"

Has that thought ever crossed your mind?

Have you ever been disappointed by someone who didn't keep his word? Been hurt by someone who never really meant it when he said all those sweet things? Questioned the sincerity of someone who was not keeping his promise?

I am not sure if it is a girl thing, but somehow when a person does what he says, that means a lot to me. Perhaps it is because we see so little of that nowadays. Perhaps it is that I am in an environment where verbal promises can be easily made but less often kept, and it heightens my sensitivity to such "trifling things." Talk is cheap, they say.

Whichever way it goes, my rules have not changed - If you want my respect, stay true to your word.

And Chris Medina is one person who has seriously impressed me.

When I first heard his heartbreaking love story, I literally went, "Wow." This young American Idol contestant is currently nursing his fiancée back to health. She suffered brain damage from a tragic car accident two months prior to their wedding date, derailing their happy plans. Yet six months later, he is still there beside her, saying, "What kind of guy would I be if I were to leave when she needs me most?"

Boy, that's the kind of guy I want.

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

**She just watched an electrifying game between Liverpool & Man U... 3-1, YNWA!**

Every Thorn Has Its Rose.

A thorn prick.

The all-too-familiar sensation of Pain.

But what is it, really?

Pain is burying your face in your comforter to muffle your sobs after reading a farewell letter from your closest friend, who walks out of your life for reasons not her own.

Pain is smiling on the outside but crying a thousand tears inside your young heart as a friend whom you had begun to fall in love with breaks the news that he has a girlfriend.

Pain is kneeling beside the still form of your dearest pet, unwilling to say goodbye just yet.

Pain is watching your loved one in physical or emotional distress, but being helpless to do anything.

Pain is sitting tired and disappointed inside your car after losing a deal you had worked so hard on.

Pain is lying on your bed, tears streaming down your cheeks, asking, “Is this what it feels like to really cry?”

Pain is knowing that some things in life will not be changed, no matter how much you may wish it to be so.

Yes, I know what pain is.

It comes in many shapes and sizes and faces. Sometimes expected, sometimes not. Sometimes a dull ache, other times a cutting stab. And always with the power to wring tears from your soul.

But though a strict Master in the School of Life, it is also one of the best ones.

In its class....

I am learning that every thorn will have its rose.

I am learning not to keep waiting for the sun to be out, but also to dance in the rain.

I am learning that just because it hurts doesn’t mean you stop smiling.

And most of all, I am learning that without pain, we would not be able to truly appreciate the joys that come our way.

**A shout-out to her sister, in case She forgets... "Te quiero!"**

"Sorry, Miss, No Blue Thoughts Today."

To Self: "No blue thoughts today. They are not allowed."

Self's reply: "Ok, I'll have pink then."

Sometimes, my own humor cracks me up.

**She is packing for her short weekend trip up to KL!**

You gotta boogie, boogie

So, the {dreaded} night came.

After countless hours of practicing coordinated dance moves, of finding costumes in the little lanes of Bugis Street, of laughter and discussions, of throwing our whole hearts into it...

Here are the pictures of that night - our Fuji Xerox Dinner & Dance.

Because pictures are worth a thousand words, here are just a few...

I rarely do this.. but because it is a once-in-a-life-time thing.. here's the video of our team's dance.

PS. See if you can spot me ;)

**She is waiting for her first TMA's results to be out!**