Day One in the USA - San Francisco!

I'm officially here.  In the USA.  San Francisco, to be exact. Like, finally. I mean, considering how I've been saving up for four years, ever since my childhood friend Johanna migrated here to start her own family... It's almost surreal.  But the cold wind nipping my face when I walk along the streets, the boots clipping the tiled sidewalk, and the huge shopping outlets lining the roads are proof enough.  Not to mention the cute ang moh guys round about.  It's gonna be lots of city hopping, this first trip.  Fun activities and hanging out with friends in different cities. And yes, I am happy. And excited. Exploring new places in different countries and experiencing new things stirrs my blood. :)  Today, San Francisco; tomorrow, Las Vegas! PS. pardon the formatting of these posts.. iPads apparently DO have some limitations! Grr... :p

Thoughts from among the Clouds

Long flights are a brilliant time for thinking and reflection.   Not only are you physically forced to remain in a constricted area due to the plane's size, but the fact that you are thousands of feet up in the air allows a sense of mental detachment from earth and the little world of our own where there are thousands of things to distract us. After months of silence on my little space here, I finally have time to sit down and properly translate my thoughts and recent events into words on screen. Life, as always, has been an incredible journey.  It has been weeks of nonstop work, school, events, and activities.  That, for one thing, has not changed.  To a certain extent, I have gotten so used to the crazy pace that when I have a rare hour to myself, I almost don't  know what to do or how to pamper myself.  It has also been a time of growth for myself as an individual, as life provided me many opportunities to learn and experience new things.  In work, I got experience working with bigger companies than those I worked with last year.  Receiving the position of Key Accounts Manager at the start of this new financial year has allowed me room to grow and improve while expanding my range and expertise in this industry.  I've also started to reap some rewards from the hard work I had been throwing into my cases for the past months.  My biggest milestone was sealing a half a million dollar deal with one of my customers in November.  With exams also in November, I have completed my second year of part-time studies.  The time is flying by faster than I expected, and i am now past the halfway mark to getting my degree!  It's not been all work and no play, however.  There has been those awesome times spent meeting ups with friends, spending time with loved ones, Christmas gatherings, the annual gift exchange within our family (thank you for all the thoughtful gifts!), Wakeboarding sessions, helping out with Girls Brigade, and of course.. The FX Christmas party.  More pictures next time, but for now, suffice to say that our team came in top 3 (even with the challenging theme of Bollywood) out of 7 contesting teams! I am so proud of my team for their efforts and contributions to put up a good show.  And thanks to my awesome friends and colleagues who voted for me, I also received the prize for Best Dressed at the party! I daresay I've fallen in love with the sari now, it is such an amazing piece of cloth. ;) New friends made and old friends cherished.. I have felt sadness, loss, happiness, fear, and achievement...but most of all, I have felt GRATITUDE.  I am blessed with so much.  I may not have everything, but I have enough. My new year's resolution is to spend more time with my loved ones.  Life is crazy and has a way of rushing by like a river, but I am determined to strike a healthier balance with my time management and stay true to my libra instincts. ;) 

Finding Greatness

For the last few weeks, I have felt as if I were in a wrestling match. 

I have struggled to find words to describe the emotional turmoil that has been churning inside.

I have struggled to meet the high expectations of my bosses, and the even higher expectations I have of myself.  

I have struggled with my loved ones, as we try to accept some of the unexpected curveballs which life has been throwing our way, things which no one has control over.

I have struggled to balance my time between the things I NEED to do and the things I WANT to do.

I have struggled to breathe, to keep my head above the combined and sometimes overwhelming stress of August show month and school assignments.

I have struggled to fight fears and heartache, emotional repercussions to events.  

I have struggled to clamp down on the leaking pipe that is threatens to burst from within after long rough days and even longer nights.

I have struggled to maintain a positive outlook on rainy days, both literally and figuratively.

I even struggled with writing this post.

Because, to be painfully honest... it's not easy to admit that I'm struggling.

Everyone wants to be the one who has it all under control... the one who strolls by other madly rushing people, hand in pocket, smiling and carefree, whose life seems to be so effortlessly smooth-sailing.

But the truth is, it isn't always that easy.  Reality won't let anyone get away with a "free lunch." 

We feel pain, heartache, disappointment, stress, and fear, howbeit in varying degrees.... and we have to understand that it is all a part of being human and living life.

The thing is....

If we have not experienced the pain of losing, we will not relish the triumph of winning.

If we do not feel stress when trying, we would not appreciate the sweet release of success.

If we do not face challenges, we will never see the need to rise to the occasion.

My big boss's message to the sales force for this month has echoed Nike's theme:

FIND YOUR GREATNESS.

I  watched the video of a little boy taking a deep breath before jumping off the high platform into a swimming pool, and another one of a young baseball player, handicapped but still playing - and WINNING. 

Both of them struggled too with their own fears, just as I have been struggling.   But they overcame the barriers, and found their greatness.

And I can will too.   

I've survived Hellweek last week and I'm into the last lap of August.  At a time when we are counting down by the hours, I have to stay focused on the goals which have been set for me.

When friends ask me, "Are you alright?"  I always reply with a smile, "I'll be fine." 

No, I may not feel OK now, and I'm not necessarily having the time of my life.   

But I will be strong, I will pick myself up, and I WILL be fine. 

Facing the Fear Factor

So I'm perched atop the kid's spiderweb in the neighborhood park near my home. 

At 3AM, the roads are silent, there is a pleasant night breeze, and the stars spot the inky black sky above randomly, like as if some child had dabbled with a white crayon. 

It is the perfect time for self-reflection.

Reflection about the choices we make in life. 

Why we do or don't do certain things.  The reasoning processes that we go through when faced with a tough decision.  The struggle between the heart and the brain when it comes to one's personal happiness.

And the more I ponder about it, I realize that in just about every single life scenario I can think of, the underlying factor that paralyzes our actions is FEAR. 

Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of rejection. Fear of what people might say. Fear of pain. Fear of losing out or losing face. Fear of taking risks. Fear of stepping out of our comfort zone. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of consequences.

Let me just add here, that fear in itself is not necessarily bad.  Fear can be a deterrent to worse things.  It is the fear of punishment by the law that keeps many people from doing what is wrong.  It is fear of lung cancer that deters some people from smoking.  It is fear of dying that stops more people from taking their own lives when they are at their lowest point, because of "the dread of something after death, the undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveller returns," as Shakespeare described so deftly in his famous poem "To Be or Not To Be."

The fear I refer to is the kind that handicaps our progress in life.  The kind where we will give a million excuses to ourselves and others as to why we will not do a certain thing, and they will sound PERFECTLY LOGICAL to us, simply because we would not admit - even to ourselves - that we are afraid.

There are so many examples I can think of. 

Individuals who shy away from public speaking because they are afraid to make a fool of themselves in front of people, and eventually lose out on opportunities in PR or communication jobs and more.  

Individuals who do not dare to stand out in performance even if they are capable of doing so, because they are afraid of the vicious tongues of jealous people. 

Individuals who dream of setting up their own businesses, but eventually never take the first giant step of an entrepreneur because they are worried about the risks - Will their business be successful or even make it?  Should they abandon a comfortably paying, stable job for a business venture which will take atleast a few years to stabalize before making a profit?  

Are we passing by moments of golden opportunity in our life because we are afraid of failure?

Or are there instances where we sacrifice our own happiness and would rather say nothing because we are afraid to risk rejection from someone whom we actually care for?

Are there certain relationships in our lives that are suffering because we refuse to say sorry, we are afraid to lose face?

It is human and natural to FEEL the emotion of fear. 

But what is more important is that we need to IDENTIFY the fear.

And then, if it is something that is holding us back from achieving our fullest potential, we need to CONQUER it. 

At the end of the day, we need to remember that life is short.  So what if we make mistakes?  So what if we fail the first try, or the second, or even the third?  So what if we face rejections?  So what if we have to swallow our pride at times?  So what if we may need to endure cruel, false words from people who do not actually know us or who we are?  So what???

Because, really.... what do we have to lose?  

If rejection, then so be it.  We pick ourselves up and we move on.  If failure, then nevermind.  We will try again, and not give up.  If people talk, let them.  All that matters is that you remain true to yourself.

And that is my conclusion of the matter.  Rather than letting it hold us back, we need to harness fear, to push us to achieve greater things and fight for our happiness and success. 

After all, I don't want to live a life full of regrets and "what if"s.  I want to be able to look back and know that I tried my best at every turn, that I never let any opportunity slip through my fingers simply because I was too fainthearted to step up to the challenge.  

I know that all throughout my life, in the days ahead, I am going to wage a continuous war against this monster.  And I accept that some of the battles, I might lose.  

But for tonight...I WIN.

Holding on.

Just FOUR MORE DAYS till the end of March.

Four looooooongggg and yet incredibly SHORT days.

It is tiring to be under constant high pressure for the past 55 days, a pressure which only builds and intensifies like a tsunami wave reaching the shore.

Honestly, I can't wait till it's over. Who can?

A part of me just wants to give up now, to cave in to the stress. To heck care.

But yet...... The other part of me cannot, WILL NOT. We are so close, sooo close to the end.

Right now, it's no longer just about the MD's dream.
Or the GM's challenge.
Or our Sales Head's target.

It's about OUR personal goals.
It's about that figure which we individually set for ourselves at the beginning of the quarter.
It's about the personal achievement.
It's about proving to ourselves that I CAN DO THIS.

We can't stop now. Not when we're in the final insane week of this month.

We cannot afford to.

So I'm gonna keep holding on - to my dreams, to my sanity, to my life.
And this much-loved song is helping me to do so.

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
~~

Dreaming Impossible Dreams

"I dreamed impossible dreams. And the dreams turned out beyond anything I could possibly imagine."

It is 2am.

But despite the fact that I am exhausted, physically and mentally spent from the stress of a long day just over, I am unable to sleep.

My mind is busy thinking, thinking..

Of character.
Of passion.
Of thinking big.
Of achievement beyond your wildest dreams.

My mind cannot let go of the quote which I stumbled across earlier today.

Dream impossible dreams?

Not many people dare to do that.

It takes a very rare breed of people who are willing to even take that first step in thinking big, in expecting great things, in breaking psychological barriers of what they might be able to achieve.

Can you imagine WHAT we could achieve if we just for a moment opened our minds? It is that kind of liberating moment when you walk out to look up at the stars in the night sky rather than staring at a man-made cement ceiling 3 meters above your head.

The amount of possibilities is endless.
And the thought itself, mind blowing.

Nobody said it would be easy to achieve big dreams. We all know by now that life never gets any easier or less busy. Winning and achieving takes hard work.

But your DREAM gives you the direction in which to work.
And you need your dream to be CRAZY and IMPOSSIBLE, because only then will you push yourself to prove otherwise.
And of course, you gotta Really. Want. It.

The leaders of my company are teaching me that.

From my MD's big dream figure for our final quarter as a company to my Sales Head's individual target for each of us sales account managers, they are playing the game of inception.

First, they instill the thought, the dream.
And although one's first reaction upon hearing the Q4 target is "That's insane!", the figure has already been branded in our minds like a hot iron.
And no matter what we think or do, we cannot forget about it.
And eventually, slowly but surely, with much inward fear and trembling, we begin to think that maybe, just maybe..it might not be that insane after all.

Not if we work REAAALLY hard.
And want it REAAALLY badly.

You know what I want?

I want to be able to say, at the end of March, that insane dreams CAN become a reality.
I want to prove to myself that impossible is nothing.
I want my greatest fear to be - not that I cannot achieve something - but that I am capable of achieving beyond all that I ever hoped or dreamed. BECAUSE THAT'S JUST DOWNRIGHT SCARY.

Former Major League baseball player and manager Tommy Lasorda said, "The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's determination."

Well.... I may be a girl, but if determination is what it takes to make the IM disappear, then so be it. (:

Find Positive Infinity (or die trying)

Earlier this evening, my friend asked me, "How do you stay positive in the final quarter?"

He was talking about the final quarter of FX's financial year '11, Jan - Mar 2012. We are faced with crazy targets, figures so big it would blow your mind. And we have a matter of WEEKS to fulfill them.

How do you make numbers on paper (dreams) into signatures on contracts (reality)?

I tried to answer him, scraping the bottom of the barrel for motivational factors: personal goals, the incentive trip to Turkey, drinking sessions with friends... He gave me credit for trying.

:: :: ::

I'm home,
dead tired,
sitting in front of my lappy at 1AM,
trying to strategize,
clearing work before the CNY holidays officially kick off tomorrow night...

So I guess it's a pretty bad time to check my newly launched school schedule, isn't it? Because the looks of it is not making me feel any better AT ALL.....

:: :: ::

Now I need to the question back to my friend: How am I going to SURVIVE the next three months?

I am scared. Trembling. The weeks ahead are going to be one hell of a roller-coaster ride.

Where am I going to find enough time to work, let alone study??
Will striving for good grades cost me the sacrifice of my personal work goals?
How will I balance my work-school-play with such an insane calendar?

There's going to be drastic changes,
new experiences,
emotional challenges,
stressful moments,
relationships to be handled,
pushing of the physical limits,
mental stretching,
occasions to rise to.

Will I be able to do it/handle everything/come out of this alive???

:: :: ::

I don't have the answer to that, just like I don't have the answer to so many other questions.

But I do know these 3 things:

1) I have got to stay positive and hold on to my dreams
2) No matter how tough - I will do my best, take things one step at a time, and work hard to realize those dreams
3) I must never think of giving up

I believe that we humans are uniquely created with the ability to "rise to the occasion." When we are pushed to the limits, somehow somewhere within, we will still find the extra reserve strength to run the final lap, to touch that peak, to hang on. We were born to face challenges, and to become better people because of it.

Mt. Everest is looming ahead - that great big monster of 2 and a half more months.

I'm gonna hold my head up, take a deep breath, and start the climb.

**She gets to rest at the "base camp" of Mt Everest during CNY holidays - KL & Kyushu, here I come!:)**