Friday, July 7, 2023

The Hardest Part (#NICULyfe)

I could tell you it was the daily visits to the NICU to see and touch my son for just 10 minutes. 

I could tell you it was the roller coaster ride of holding our breaths with every doctor’s update for the day, not knowing whether it would hold good news of improvements or something more unwelcome.


I could tell you it was the stress of learning how to tube feed and cup feed while getting to know my son, all in ONE day… upon being allowed to stay in the NICU with him.

I could tell you it was the beeping of the machine monitoring my baby’s heartbeat and oxygen saturation level, playing to its own tune and making my heart drop with every downward roll that indicated desaturation. 

I could tell you it was the watching helplessly as my baby’s face changed color from choking during a cup feeding session.  

I could tell you it was the lack of sleep, that by the time I had fed him and changed his diaper and pumped my milk and washed my pumps and grabbed a bite to eat, there was barely an hour left to shut eye before it was time for the next feed. 


I could talk about the uncomfortable narrow bed-cum-armchair that I was given to sleep on, squeezing in a room with other mamas and their babies.

Or the lack of hot water shower facilities in the government hospital. 

Or the fact that once I entered the NICU premises to stay in, I would not be allowed to go in and out anymore until baby can be discharged to go home together.


I could tell you all that, and more. 


But no. 


While all of these things are undeniably hard, In truth, The hardest part for me is the WAITING… indefinitely. Of not knowing the end date of this ordeal. Of literally having to take it day by day, unable to answer the daily questions I get from family and friends of “When can you go home?”  Because there was no way to predict whether he might improve or regress. 


In one of the darkest moments of this stay, I remembered this verse and clung to it: “But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” 


Through the tears of discouragement, weariness, and frustration, I told myself that this is not the end. 

That one day, these traumatic NICU days would be a distant memory. 

That I and my baby would emerge from this stronger than ever. 

That I needed to focus on the factors I could control rather than on the circumstances that I could not. 


I’m still here waiting. 

But now, with a hopeful heart. 


Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Reflections at the Start of 2020

As part of my personal New Year's resolution for 2020, I have decided to restart my blog writing after 6 years, and jot down the various daily life lessons and thoughts as part of my journey.  I had gone silent online shortly after starting work at my (then) new company Amazing Borneo Tours in 2013, as the crazy pace of work and life swept me along.  And now, at a very different place in my life, it is time to pick up where I left off.  

It has been an eventful journey, filled with experiences both bitter and sweet. 

But overall, Life has been kind and God has been good.  

For quick status updates:  

-  I am now the Sales Director overseeing the sales team of Amazing Borneo.  
-  I had my dream wedding in December 2019 and am now married to an incredible guy whom you will likely hear more about in future. 
-  Shuttling between countries has become a part of this chapter of my life, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 
-  I am the proud aunty of eight nieces and nephews from my immediate family, with one more sweet niece from my hubby's side.  

With that aside, I wish to share two little insights which came to me today.  


1. π‘Ύπ’π’“π’Œπ’Šπ’π’ˆ 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒔𝒖𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒇𝒖𝒍 π’Šπ’” π’π’Šπ’Œπ’† π’˜π’π’“π’Œπ’Šπ’π’ˆ 𝒕𝒐 π’Œπ’†π’†π’‘ π’‡π’Šπ’•.
You may work hard to achieve personal goals, but it doesn't stop after you get there. Yes, you may have lost that unwanted fat or shaved off a couple of kilos within the time frame you set for yourself, but unless you are disciplined to keep working out to maintain or further improve your fitness, you will eventually lose what you had worked so hard for.  

Likewise, today you may seem successful already in comparison to your peers or in reaching the targets you have set out to hit; but unless you continue working hard towards further self improvement and new achievements, your success will be short-lived. We need to continue fighting and working hard towards our goals - to do as much as we can with the time given to create better lives for the people around us, and to eventually leave behind a legacy when we are gone.

Oh, one more thing - both WORKING OUT and WORKING HARD are painful processes;  no success comes overnight.  

2. 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 π’‘π’π’˜π’†π’“ 𝒕𝒐 π’•π’“π’‚π’π’”π’‡π’π’“π’Ž.
While looking at my marshmallows that I slid into the toaster for dessert, I realised that heat is a powerful thing.  It can either destroy you, or it can transform you into something more valuable and more beautiful. 

Today's "heat" could come in many forms - work stress, pressure from external factors, expectations on ourselves, yet it always forces the same result: C H A N G E. 


When the heat you experience today pushes you out of your comfort zone, would you give up and crumble into ashes, or would it melt and mould you into an even better version of yourself?




In both scenarios, we decide the outcome for ourselves based on our actions. 
May we each choose well.

Monday, April 21, 2014

It Should Always Be about The Journey


Eight months ago, I sat in the middle of the dusty road that encircled Qing Hai Lake in Xi Ning, China, just being the usual crazy me.   It was an impromptu decision to join a backpacking friend for a week, after quitting my job of five and a half years, and this trip was significant to me for several reasons.  

Firstly, I had always declared that I NEVER wanted to go to China.  The perceived impressions I had received of that country's culture simply were not attractive...Not to mention my struggle with the language.  Yet here I was, wandering around a tiny portion of that giant country, and blown away at finding it vastly different from my initial negative apprehensions.  The locals I met along the way consistently proved me wrong, surprising me with their friendliness and helpfulness - they went out of their way to help us when we were lost, gave directions, and even paid for our train ticket fares!  They were even patient and kindly amused at my terrible broken mandarin.  

"The trip pushed me out of my comfort zone with the different culture, people, and language, and opened my mind to many new experiences." 


It was also my first time backpacking.  And the sense of freedom and adventure and independence was addictive... Seven days was definitely NOT enough. No, not even close.  

Thirdly, I was at the start of a new chapter in life with a new job.  I had no idea what to expect, no way of knowing what the future holds for me.  It was like the road I was traveling on - I couldn't see the end of it. All I knew was that it was going to be an exciting and incredible journey that would change my life and me in many ways.. And that, for me, was enough.  

Now I look back and marvel at what an amazing journey the last couple of months have been, and how blessed I am... it is way beyond what that girl sitting on the road could have hoped or imagined. 

 I am grateful. 


"I made up my mind not to care so much about the destination, and simply enjoy the journey."
- David Archuleta


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

I remember Moments.

Last New Year, When the clock struck midnight, I was standing in the freezing streets of Times Square, yelling "Happy New Year!" through chattering teeth and beaming at all the lovebirds smooching around us.


I was happy - partially because 2013 was finally here, and mostly because it meant I could finally get out from the cold after walking and standing for the past 7 hours!

But it made for a memorable experience, since it was my first time in the US and as such, my first time in New York City and counting down at Times Square in 2°C weather with the other crazy one million people.  

It was also the opening of the door to yet another memorable year.


 2013.  
A promotion.
A new nephew.
42KM Marathon.
Hong Kong.
Quitting Fuji Xerox.
Backpacking in China.
Australia.
A new start in Amazing Borneo.
Friends, old and new.
Europe.

Choices.
Lessons.
Growth.


It came, and it has gone.  
And just like that, my life is completely different from 365 days ago.

What happened to the days that whizzed by? 
LIFE happened. 

 I remember….

… when my colleague thoughtfully placed a sandwich on my desk, because I had not been able to attend a lunch meeting due to another work meeting.

… those lunches and dinners when I met with various friends, and we just talked.  No Facebook checking in, no picture taking to "capture the moments"... just ENJOYING the moments and the company.

... moments of despair and exhaustion, when I felt like the uphill battle at work never seemed to stop.

… when my nieces ran to give me spontaneous hugs.

… how during karaoke session we were supposed to be happy and having fun, but I nearly cried instead, because it was our last time celebrating together as a sales team.

… the evening that my two guy friends and I walked into a karaoke bar, not knowing it was a lesbian hang out; and my friends still managed to be huge hits among the girls, thanks to their amazing singing abilities.

… exploring the streets of different cities around Europe, and drinking in the sights and sounds.


I remember...

 … the afternoons when my sea babes and I chilled out on the boat with beers and chips and wakeboards.

… receiving the fateful call from the Sales GM that evening, about getting a promotion to Major Accounts.

… the longest week of my life where I was stuck in bed with high fever for 5 days straight, and my strength simply refused to come back.

… being lost in Chengdu Airport, and my awesome cousin saving us with his ability to speak Mandarin.

… stepping out of the Fuji Xerox office for the last time after five and a half years.

… the special lunch that my sis brought me to, her customary celebration of my birthday.

… when sis, bro, and I trekked through the Blue Mountains… and watched the Mother Whale and Baby Whale playing in the waters outside the Darling Harbour.

… when a sweet little girl whispered to her mummy, “I love Jie-Jie Emily”, and my heart melted on the spot.



I remember...

… taking pictures sitting in the middle of a long windy road at Qing Hai Lake in China.

… making my way through a snowstorm to the Bayern Munich Stadium with my friend, and there was just the snow, and us, and more snow.
 
 … club hopping in the underground clubs of Hong Kong.

… the first day at my new job in Amazing Borneo.

... my sis and I, sitting in the kitchen after a long day, laughing so hard till we cried.

... the crazy night with my AB colleagues in the mountain lodge after a day of hard-core jungle trekking.

… saying goodbyes; some in person and some in the heart, and all of them hurting me deep inside.


I remember... 

… standing at the top of Mount Kinabalu, 
knowing I had made it after the thousands of small steps, 
and knowing it is just the first of many more mountains I intend to climb.


I remember MOMENTS.


And I know 2014 is going to be filled with so many more. 

Precious moments.
Crazy moments.
Painful moments.
Breakthrough moments.
Loving moments.
Beautiful moments.

The scary part is not knowing WHAT exactly is going to come in this new year.
The fun part is that too. Exactly.

And whatever comes, I know I'm not alone.  
Because right beside me are all the people I love most in this world.

We're facing this new year together, 
and it's going to be downright AWESOME.
Because we are.


 And because YOU are.

To my dear friends who read this blog, 
who have followed my writings and empathized with me 
through the struggles,
and the joys, 
and the moments, 
Thank you. 

Thank you for the support, 
whether silent or spoken or shown.
Thank you for just taking the time to read.
You are awesome.
You are the reason 
why I choose carefully every single word that I type out.
Your support encourages me
to strive for my best in whatever I attempt to do, 
to live my life to the fullest.
Your support reminds me
why I can face each new day and each new year 
with a smile and with head held high.


So these last lines of my post are dedicated to you: 

In this coming year, 
I wish you Enough.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Goodbye."

May God bless us all in 2014!

**Her New Year Resolution:  To improve oneself 1% each day**

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Just a Little Human

There are some days;

When I feel like there is 
no challenge too great, 
no mountain too high, 
no road too bumpy, 
no target too unachievable,
that I cannot handle it. 

I feel invincible.

Then there are some days;

When I feel like there are
too many hours in a day, 
tired of being strong, 
drained of energy by evil flu bugs,
exhausted from self-inflicted pressure, 
wishing for a cave to hide inside 
till I find my strength again. 

I feel human

And my heart whispers,
"I can do it
I'll get through it


But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down.."
(Human by Christina Perri)

We make mistakes.
We get hurt. 
We fall down.
We get discouraged.
We are afraid.


And I think that's normal, that's Life. 

It's alright to feel vulnerable sometimes.  
It's alright to feel like we don't have it ALL together all the time.  
It's alright to feel.

This Christmas Season makes the thought all the more poignant,
as on this symbolic day,  
Christians are commemorating the birth of Christ - as a little human.
Just. like. us.

While we celebrate this Day with loved ones and gift exchanges,  
the encouragement I glean comes not from the Gospel books, 

but from one of my favorite verses in Hebrews (4:15-16).

Tired? Frustrated? Sad? Lonely? Disappointed? 
He knows.
And more importantly, He understands
   
And with my head up, 
I find the courage to face another day, as
just a little human.


 

**Wishing all my dear friends a beautiful Christmas and Happy New Year!**

Saturday, September 14, 2013

An Eye-Opening Experience - Epi-Lazik



         21 August, 2013 – That is the fateful day I literally experienced Newton’s "T'was blind but now I see" phenomenon.  

          In other words, I finally got around to doing my EPI-LASIK operation!  And speaking as someone who has suffered from terrible myopia all my life - stumbling around till I got my spectacles before the age of 7 - believe me when I say that this operation has been the best gift I have ever given myself.


         For the benefit of my friends who have shown care, concern, and curiosity regarding the process of getting my eyes “fixed”, here is a recount of my experience.  I hope these insights will be helpful for your own decision-making!



From the first time I heard about lasik more than five years ago, I knew I would definitely be doing it, SOMEDAY.   It was only a matter of When, Where, and How Much. 


I was recommended Clearvision Eye Clinic &LASIK Surgery Centre in Singapore by my brother, who had done his own successful lasik operation a few years back and knows the doctor personally. 
  Clearvision Building
 Although I considered the option of driving in to Malaysia for my lasik operation due to price (the figures are definitely way more attractive when converted to Malaysian Ringget!), I eventually decided that I would rather spend the necessary few dollars more for a reputable LASIK specialist in Singapore with a long-standing success record.


The first step was to check out their website and make an enquiry call.  The girl on the phone was very patient and professional in explaining to me the things to take note in advance:
   -  Atleast 10 days in advance of the examination review, I cannot wear my hard contact lenses.
  -   Atleast 2 days in advance of the examination review - if I intend to do the surgery the day immediately after the review - I cannot wear soft contact lenses. 
    -   If working, I would be given 2 days of Medical Certificate to rest.

  -   It is advisable not to drive for 5 days after the operation as vision may be blurry during the healing period.

  -    It is OK to jog as long as the sweat does not get into the eyes.

  -    It is OK to fly on an airplane after 1 week from the operation date.

    -    It is OK to participate in Surface Water sports (e.g., swimming, wakeboarding) after 2 weeks from the operation date.  
  -   It is OK to dive after a month from the operation date.

 -   I can choose to do a LASIK or EPI-LASIK procedure.

 -   It is possible to do a 12 months with 0% interest payment scheme with certain credit cards. 


Armed with this information, I watched and waited for an opening in my calendar.  The minute my schedule opened up with a few available days, I snatched up the phone and placed an appointment for the examination review, followed by a tentative date and time for the surgery the next day (provided my eyes were approved for surgery by the examination).


When I reached Clear Vision clinic for my examination appointment at 2PM on 20 August, the friendly staff took me through a series of 9 or 10 different eye tests.  As I peered into their various eye machine contraptions, they took pictures of my cornea, measured the shape and size, checked my eye degree, tested eye pressure with little puffs of air blown into the eye, tested my muscle control skills by asking me not to blink while they shone various lights into my eyes, and patiently answered all my inquisitive questions about what exactly the machines were doing.

After they were done, one of the staff sat me down on a comfortable sofa and went through a clear and efficient slide presentation on the difference between LASIK and EPI-Lasik procedures, what to expect during the operation, and a brief introduction about the surgeon, Dr. Tony Ho.  The following video was also very informative on why EPI-Lasik is the recommended way to go, especially for someone with dry eyes, thin corneas, and - high myopia *raise hand*.


When the staff had done the preliminary checks, they sent me over to Dr. Ho’s private clinic in Mount Elizabeth Medical Centre, just 3 minutes walk from the Clearvision Eye Clinic.  After 2-3 more eye tests at this other clinic, Dr. Ho called me into his room and told me that based on the examination results, he was confident he would be able to carry out a successful EPI-Lasik procedure for me.  However, he cautioned me as a note that due to my degree being very high (900 degrees per eye), the lasik would have to burn deeper into the cornea.  Thus, should I wish to go for any corrective surgery in future after the initial Epi-Lasik, I would need to go through all the checks again.   But hey, the important thing is that I CAN do the op, right?  So I danced out of the doctor’s office happily.  Figuratively, of course. 

The next day, Sis and I were up and ready for my first surgery ever.  Yes, I was a little nervous. And very psyched.  After all, it was my LAST day of wearing spectacles!
 When I reached the clinic, the staff got me to sign the necessary documents, explained the various medicated eye drops I would need to apply after the operation, and then decked me out in the operating room garb.
 Next was the application of the numbing eye drops.  I was pleasantly surprised and extremely relieved that no anesthetic injections were needed!  (If you hate needles as much as I do, you will understand how I felt.)
 Finally, the eye cover went on and I was ready!
 They asked me to sit in a chair right outside the operating room and practice staring straight at a little blinking red light a few feet away.  I could hear the sizzle of the laser as the guy before me did his operation.  It freaked me out a little.  



Then the sliding door opened, and the guy exited the operating theatre, looking - normal.   Hey, if he can survive the ordeal, then so can I, right?  I took a deep breath, turned to Sis and said, “Here we go!” and stepped into the room.  


Dr. Ho was seated at the head of the operating bed, and welcomed me in.  The operating assistant instructed me to lie down and Dr. Ho held my head in place, explaining his actions calmly and soothingly.
 He positioned the lasik machine over my eye and I stared up at the monster looming over me. feeling very much like the one-eyed Cyclops.  It was a simple-looking machine.  There were two lasik lights staring dully back at me – one red and one yellow-green.  The doctor told me to stare at the red light.  



“Don’t worry,” he reassured, like as if he could read my thoughts.  “You won’t feel any pain.”


He proceeded to clean my eye and placed a round circular object in my eye to keep my eyelids from closing.  A blunt scapula appeared in my vision and gently scraped away the top layer of my eye.  It was a weird sensation, since I could feel the scraping but felt no pain.  


Then he told me to keep looking at the red light…. And the green laser started its job.  It was a five-step process.  I concentrated on only two things – staring at the red light and breathing slowly and evenly.  My subconscious noted the sizzling sound once again, and Dr. Ho’s voice stating, “Stage one… stage two…”  My vision began to blur.  It looked or felt like a speckled lights display taking place on a clear glass right in front of my eye.  


“Stage five.”  The green laser stopped.  The actual process per eye was not more than two minutes! Dr. Ho pushed away the monster above me, gently scraped back the top layer of eye film with his scapula, and deposited the temporary soft lens over my cornea for protection.  


Perhaps the only part I found disconcerting was when they slowly emptied a syringe of liquid into my eye to wash it out.   Blame it on my claustrophobic issues perhaps, but for those few short moments, I had to fight the momentary feeling of panic. 


Other than that, it was fine.  And PAINLESS. 


Within the next five minutes, my other eye was done, and I could get up from the bed and pose for a picture with Dr. Ho!
 

My vision was immediately clear, though not sharp.  I could see with about 90% clarity, as they predicted for the first day, and the staff led me to a room to sit and recuperate.  My eyelids were so heavy, and I just felt like sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.  So after an hour, I put on the 100% UV-blocking sunglasses they provided, flagged a cab home, and went straight to bed. 

The staff preempted discomfort and pain after the anesthesia wears off but said it was subjective to each person.  When I woke up three hours later to put my eye drops, I still felt fine and could see fine, too.  My eyes were a little dry, but they were not painful. 

And truth is, I have felt no pain up till this day, for which I am very thankful!  

The recovery process was as predicted, with the next two days having blurred vision, around70-80% clarity.  I was sleeping most of the time though, so it was not too much of a bother.  On the second day, I went back for a Check Up to ensure everything was recovering well without any infection.  I started driving by the third day as the vision improved, howbeit facing slight discomfort whenever the bright sunlight glinted off the cars in front of me, despite my shades.  One week later, I went back for the second check up and removed the temporary contact lenses.  A few days later, I flew to China. 

Although my vision still occasionally blurs for a short while now and then, which is expected as part of the recovery process for the month or so after the surgery, I am extremely happy with my newfound eyesight. 
Goodbye to the banes of fuzzy vision and heavy reliance on contact lenses and prescription glasses... Hello, perfect eyesight! 

  
For those of you who are interested in doing lasik for yourself, I highly recommend Clearvision Eye Clinic as the place to go.  I experienced professional and attentive customer service, and felt safe and in good hands the entire way.  The price for EPI-Lasik for 2 eyes is SGD $3,388.  You can call them at 67333316 or visit their website at http://www.clearvision.com.sg/ for more details.